


Letters To Hide

by kaneki_vampire



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Acceptance, Blood, Death, First Person, Letters, M/M, Manga, Moving On, Pain, Sad, hide - Freeform, hidekane, kaneki pov, not accepting death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:54:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaneki_vampire/pseuds/kaneki_vampire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki writes letters to Hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters To Hide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheAngelicTrickster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngelicTrickster/gifts).



> I'm sorry in advance, but I'd like to think that Hide is alive.

I’m not sure who I am anymore. Every night I wake up reliving those moments. Those agonising moments as I watched you fall. You fell so fast, so gracefully that I wasn’t entirely sure that you were even falling at all. You looked so peaceful and it made me so sad to think that you were welcoming death with open arms. The wind ruffled your hair and clothes in such a way that you looked as if you had grown wings. And in a way, you had. You had become my angel, my safety, the one I relied on far more than you deserved. You saved me from my fall, but I could do nothing but watch as you plummeted downwards, getting ever smaller. 

I wasn’t sure how it had come to this. Wasn’t sure where I had gone wrong, because I had gone wrong, it had to have been my fault. You were so sad for so long that to not notice this was criminal. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you, I could never be there for you in the way you wanted me to be. I never had been. You fell fast into the darkness and I never saw you hit the ground. Maybe this is some sick way of the world telling me that I don’t deserve to see you in that most private of all moments. For all I know you could have flown away, escaped your inevitable fate somehow… but you didn’t. I stood there and watched you fall.

You did not fall in the conventional sense. There were no high buildings, no bridges and it was not your fault. You never wanted this, you were too complete for that, but you fell nevertheless. Your fall was entirely my fault. You had come looking for me, trying to make things right as you always did, always. I knew then and I still know now that you did not deserve that, did not deserve to die at my hand. You had been on a crash course with death for far too long and I guess that that was my fault as well. I left you when you needed me, not that you would ever have said anything about needing me, you loved me far too much to tell me that you were hurting, you didn’t want me to hurt too as you knew I would. I was hurting so much at that point, I didn’t want to lose you, the one thing that kept me sane, kept me human, but through my own ignorance and stupidity, I did.   
It was because I left you, because you tried to stop me that you are not here anymore. You were so beautifully ignorant of everything I was doing to try and keep you safe and in your own way you tried to keep me safe. Finding me was something I desperately wanted you to not manage, but you joined the CCG, you tried to find me in the only way you knew how. And find me you did. How desperately I wished you never found me, I wish you had stayed safe. Then I found that you knew all along. Knew and did not hate me. I couldn’t believe it, it was far too good to be true. I still don’t really believe that it actually happened. It feels like a dream, well more like a nightmare. I still half expect to see you running around with you headphones around your neck and that obnoxiously bright hoodie fluttering in the wind. Thinking about it now I don’t think I ever remember you taking off that hoodie, except that last time. That last time…

Of all the people in this messed up world you were the last I would have expected to see in that hated uniform. That uniform used to mean safety that we were protected, but now it just means terror and hate. That is, until I saw you wearing it. I don’t know when it happened but at some point you became my home, not Anteiku or my apartment, but you. So when I saw you wearing that it became a symbol of safety one last time. 

You found me at the moment when I was almost gone. I was crazy, trying desperately to claw back any sanity that I possibly could. Then you were there, like a ray of sunshine shining through the darkness. I didn’t want you there, you couldn’t be there, I wasn’t in control. That meeting was all I had wished for and all I had feared and the circumstances could not have been worse. It was like I was on standby in my mind, I was there but I was not there, my body was too far gone, I couldn’t stop myself. You were there, smiling, I couldn’t understand how you were not scared, why you didn’t run, you were so brave and so strong. You accepted me. For the first time in my life I felt like I had come home. You were there and I was safe. You asked me to fight with all I had one last time, and I tried, I really tried. 

When I woke up you weren’t there and I could taste blood in my mouth and I had this horrible feeling that I knew exactly what had happened. I couldn’t really see anything around me but I knew you weren’t here and somehow I knew you would never be here again. You were gone, and it was my fault. 

I don’t know what to do now, I never have really. I wanted to protect you for so long and like my mother, I failed. It must be hereditary, I am doomed to fail in everything I try. There is nothing I can do now, I don’t even know who is still alive. I fought to protect my friends and needed up losing everything, including myself. I know you are not alive anymore, you can’t be, but I still find myself hoping. I still find myself waiting for you to text me. I find myself looking for you on the streets, searching every corner of Tokyo. I thought I saw you the other day, I really did, but I can’t have done, you are gone. I want nothing more than to give up now… Hide… 

I can’t give up. Not now. Not when you gave everything you had to ensure I lived. I wish you were here instead but you are not and you never will be. I am trying to live for you now Hide. You forced me to accept myself somehow. I hate myself more than ever, but in some way I understand that this is not my fault. You made me understand this, but I wish you didn’t have to die. I’m not eating ghouls anymore, I don’t want to lose myself completely. It feels wrong but I am eating humans now. Only the bad ones, the rapists and murderers of this world. I like to think that I am making a difference, the way you would have wanted me to do. I don’t want to live but I don’t want you to have given your life away for nothing. I will live Hide and I will try my best to make the world better.   
Oh and one last thing… Hide… please don’t be dead…


End file.
